Thursday, February 23, 2006

For God and Bud and Country

I have always found Tom Lasorda to be nothing but a blithering windbag, and his comments this week criticizing players not participating in the upcoming World Baseball Classic only reinforce that view.

According to Lasorda, the aptly named "ambassador at large" for the WBC, no one should turn down the chance to play in the WBC. "I don't like that one bit," says Lasorda. "I think you owe something to your country.''

What? Playing in a meaningless baseball tournament organized by Major League Baseball so that everyone can sell more stuff (get your official Dominican Republic World Baseball Classic jersey here for only $249.99) is doing something for your country? Of all the things wealthy and healthy young American men could do for their country, putting a lickin' on the Netherlands Nine should not be very high on the list. And, by the way, if all this is about doing something for your country, why are so many Americans (37 according to the list on the WBC web site) playing for foreign teams? Hey, Shea Hillenbrand is Dutch -- who knew?

I never thought I would yearn to hear Tommy tell just one more of his side-splitting Sinatra stories, but anything would be better than what he is talking about now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

This Might Pinch a Little

No wonder they squeal so much.

I Hope You're Sitting Down

The President is right. Wait -- I have to pause for a minute to see if the world ends. Okay, it appears safe to continue.

He's right to withstand the depressingly predictable, albeit bipartisan, stampede of federal, state, and local officials critical of the decision to allow a company owned by the government of the United Arab Emirates to help manage ports in five U.S. cities, including here in Philadelphia.

All the complaining misses the key point: The issue is not who owns Dubai Ports World, it is how port security is handled every day in every coastal city, regardless of what management company is involved. Remember the practice of universal precaution to combat the spread of HIV? You cannot tell who is HIV-positive, so if you might come into contact with blood or other bodily fluids, you have to assume that everyone could be HIV-positive and take the necessary precautions. That is why today you see a lot of people who might be around blood wearing gloves -- from dentists to boxing referees. The same approach is needed for port security. If the proper attention is paid to port security and the appropriate policies and practices are put into effect, it won't matter who owns the management company.

Those critical of Bush send the dangerous message that terrorists come in one form: people from Arab countries. Does no one remember that the people who exploded bombs in the London underground last summer were British citizens? Anyone remember Tim McVeigh? Hello?

Those out there who wish to infiltrate a port and commit a terrorist act are not going to be deterred simply because port management is run by patriotic Americans, nor will they be successful simply because port management is run by a company owned by an Arab country.

Congressional critics need to stop practicing the corporate version of racial profiling and start paying attention to real port security. Here's a place to start: According to a study cited today by Philadelphia Inquirer political analyst Dick Polman, since September 11, 2001, only $560 million has been spent on port security, and an estimated 7 percent of cargo is screened. In contrast, $18 billion has been spent on airline security, much undoubtedly spent usefully, but a whole lot also spent developing such important safety practices as shoe removal and on hiring multiple people to check your ID within 10 feet of each other.

Now the President can go back to being wrong all the time.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Simply Appalling

More evidence that the entire death penalty process demeans all who are involved in it. So it has come to this: state officials, lawyers, judges, and physicians discussing how to make someone more "comfortable" while being deliberately killed. But since that apparently hasn't worked out, the state is just going to Plan B: a good old-fashioned drug overdose.

Everyone feel better now?

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Turn Left. Repeat.

Today's Daytona 500 kicks off another NASCAR season, and there is much talk about zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

As You Wish, My Master

How powerful is Prince of Darkness Dick Cheney? It looks like he has mastered the Jedi mind trick (see last quote here) of getting the weaker-minded to say what needs to be said. What else explains Friday's bizarre sight of Harry Whittington apologizing for putting his face in the path of Cheney's shotgun pellets?

All those practice sessions in the Oval Office have paid off.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

On Thin Ice

The Washington Post's Sally Jenkins has a column today defending figure skating as a sport. These types of arguments miss the point, however.

Put aside the obvious issues, such as the amount of makeup and all the frilly stuff, though as even Jenkins points out, "if they weren't wearing spangly suits made of mauve taffeta, we wouldn't be having this conversation" -- and she is talking about the men. No one can seriously dispute that doing what is required to be an Olympics-level figure skating requires great athleticism. But so does ballet.

No, the problem with figure skating at the Olympics is that it is not athletic competition. It is simply too subjective. Think of it this way: In the downhill skiing event, whoever gets to the bottom of the hill in the least amount of time wins. It does not matter what country he is from, whether he was expected to win, whether he has won before, and, in particular, what he looks like. Only the time matters.

In figure skating, however, performances are judged by human beings, which (despite recent developments in light of the rigging -- a separate though not unrelated problem -- of the pairs event in the last Olympics) remains inherently subjective and therefore unmeasurable. No judge can ever be right, and no judge can ever be wrong. It is no different than the decisions made by the judges on "American Idol."

So, if you enjoy your athletic feats with large amounts of subjectivity and the most darling outfits you have ever seen, have fun with the skating. I have something else to do.

Monday, February 13, 2006

When It Rains....

Haven't they suffered enough?

Speedy Trial

The Saddam Hussein trial has gone on long enough. There's only one thing to do with this kind of madman: Make him go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Beat the Rush and Turn the Sound Down Now

ESPN has unveiled its new announcing team for the Monday night football games it will begin airing in September: Mike Tirico, Joe Theismann, and Tony Kornheiser. Ugh.

I will try to reserve judgment on Tirico, although I have not been particularly impressed with his non-golf work in the past, and Kornheiser. I am a big fan of Tony and of his show, "Pardon the Interruption," but I fear that a broadcast booth will not be the best forum for him.

But Theismann? He is the absolute worst. He talks constantly and says nothing, mentioning a hundred times a game that he had dinner with this coach or met last night with that player. Blah blah blah. Check out this Theismann gem from SI football writer Paul Zimmerman. Theismann must work cheap. It's hard to believe ESPN thinks he's the best it can do.

Woo Hoo!! Pass the Doughnuts!!

Well, maybe not. But this study means at least we can dream.

Low-fat guru and major party pooper Dean Ornish has a different take, of course.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Glass Stadiums

Paul Holmgren and other Seattle Seahawk partisans need to shut up. Whining about officiating after losing a game is the most pointless and unflattering activity imaginable. It is always particularly amusing to hear such wailing and gnashing of teeth after, as in this Super Bowl, the complaining team and coach screwed up so much.

One of the reasons I have always been lukewarm at best about instant replay (in any sport) is that it reinforces the ridiculous idea that, of all the people on the field, only the referees, umpires, officials, etc. have to be perfect. Players drop passes and kick groundballs, coaches botch clock management, but referees in real time have to flawlessly make calls that, like the Ben Roethlisberger touchdown, are difficult to discern even when watched in slow motion. I know I am shouting at the rain, but everyone needs to just calm down a bit.

Having said that, the "chop block" penalty on Matt Hasselbeck was the worst call in the history of the NFL. How none of those officials noticed that Hasselbeck fell down in front of the guy carrying the ball is something of a mystery. It must be a new rule -- Deion Sanders did that for 15 years and never got called for a penalty one time.

Sucker Bet

I wish I had the phone number for the gambling ring allegedly involving former NHL player and current assistant coach Rick Tocchet. I would like to bet that if they played an NHL game in my back yard, I wouldn't look out the window.

Monday, February 06, 2006

Super Hangover

I'm back from several days in Chicago, where, in addition to spending time with good food and good company, I watched the Super Bowl. Thank God, that mess is over. And I am only partly referring to the game:
  • That had to be the worst "Star Spangled Banner" ever at a Super Bowl, which is saying something given this list of past performers. I mean, that was use-it-as-a-torture-technique bad. It was a tag-team approach, with Aaron Neville singing the first part in the key of dog whistle. Neville then handed off to Aretha Franklin, who I think ate him. Yikes!
  • SI football writer Peter King thought it was one of the best anthems ever. Whatever.
  • It's too bad Bud Light's beer is not nearly as good as its commercials.
  • What is the big deal with the Rolling Stones? Wow -- the first song was "Start Me Up." And they sang "Satisfaction." Didn't see that coming. Yawn. I did like the promotional tie-in though: A lucky female fan won a mini-van and the right to have Mick Jagger's next child.
  • If I never hear the word "Motown" again it will be too soon. And don't get me started about Jerome Bettis.

Who Is the Patron Saint of Legal Settlements?

You know, you just couldn't even make this stuff up.