Commissioner for a Day

Although the pro football season has only been over for two days, it's not too early to begin planning for next season. Here are my suggestions for how the already wildly successful NFL could become even more popular and exciting:

• No more kicking of extra points. Nothing is less exciting than watching someone score a touchdown only to watch a different set of players trot on to the field to kick the extra point. The kickers almost never miss, and when they do it usually is because of a poor snap, as happened during the Super Bowl after the Colts' first touchdown, or a flubbed hold, as happened to Tony Romo in the Cowboys-Saints' game. The play is so dull that fans usually continue celebrating the touchdown and don't even pay attention to the extra point play. How to make the extra point as meaningful as the others plays run during the game? Easy. Let the offense choose how far from the goal line they wish to try for the extra point. The farther back they go, the more points they get. So, you get two points for the standard distance (three yards), three points for 10 yards, four points for 20 yards, etc. I will let the NFL figure out the details, but the point is to reward the offense for taking greater risks. And I would reward the defense, too, by awarding half as many points to them for stopping the offense, e.g., one point for successfully defending from the standard distance.
• No more touchbacks. Yeah, there is nothing like watching Devin Hester take a knee in the end zone to get the frenzy quotient way up. I realize that touchbacks have become rarer since they have moved the kickoff spot back to the 30-yard line. But one touchback a year is one too many. The kick return can be one of the most exciting moments in a game. Make them run every one back, no matter where they field the ball.
• No field goals inside 40 yards. Kickers are now so good, especially those lucky enough to kick in domes, that any attempt inside 40 yards is just a glorified extra point. As you can see from my proposed rule changes, I find the kicking part of the game to be one big bore. Either make it much harder or just get rid of it.
• No more instant replay. What brainiacs in the NFL thought it would be a good idea to stop the game and have players and coaches stand around and do nothing while the referee jogs off the field to stare at a television monitor? People apparently pay $80 a ticket to watch this happen. This drive to remove the human element from officiating baffles me. The decisions made by players and coaches during games are debated endlessly (people will be talking about Andy Reid punting on 4th and 15 in the Saints game for months to come), and it is those very debates that are a large part of the popularity of a sport that plays only one game a week for about five months of the year. Yet somehow the NFL thinks that decisions made by officials have to be free of all error. Like officials in other sports, they will get it right a large percentage of the time and get it wrong on occasion. Sometimes, they will get a call wrong in a crucial spot. Sometimes, such wrong calls will seem unfair or unjust, and one team will feel like they got screwed. We have a word for that: Life. The perfectionistas in the NFL just have to get over it.